


team slay

by AllonsyAlonso



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: But only a tiny bit, Canon Compliant, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Crack, Drug Use, F/M, Humor, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Texting, That's it, Well I tried, just a lil, that's the plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 09:43:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7262851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllonsyAlonso/pseuds/AllonsyAlonso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the one where Avengers text each other during and after the events of Civil War</p>
            </blockquote>





	team slay

**Author's Note:**

> just for the record, I wrote this at 2am  
> tony is it's your boi  
> don't ask what it means, I don't know either  
> steve can't type bc his fingers are rlly big but it's okay bucky's not complaining ;) ;)  
> A big thank you to Julia who somehow still tolerates my bullshit and this weird obsession with plot holes

Meeting with General Ross

 

 **it's your boi** : he has a point

 **Steve:** Exxcuseme

 **sam** : ?????????

 **sam:** was that a typo???

 **sam:** talking to tony btw

 **clint:** who has a point?

 **Steve** : excise be

 **it's your boi:** katniss how are the kids

 **sam:** bruh don't change the subject

 **Steve:** excude mw

 **clint:** they're good

 **it's your boi:** I bet they're asking for their uncle tony

 **clint:** no

 **sam:** TONY

 **Steve:** ex use me

 **it's your boi:** :O

 **it's your boi:** you wound me

 **sam:** TONY TELL ME YOU DIDN'T JUST AGREE WITH GENERAL DUMBASS

 **clint:** they don't even know your name

 **clint:** they met you once

 **it's your boi:** but im iron man

 **it's your boi:** don't they watch tv???

 **it's your boi:** read newspapers???

 **it's your boi:** do they even know what the internet is

 **it's your boi:** how old are they again?

 **nat:** 6 and 9

 **nat:** will you keep it down

 **nat:** ross might suspect smt

 **nat:** especially since steve looks like he's going to give himself a heart attack by writing two words correctly

 **Steve** : excuses mr

 

 

Before their own private meeting

**sam:** I still can't believe tony agrees with general asshole

 **it's your boi:** wanna fight birdman

 **sam:** HONESTLY

 **nat:** very mature

 **clit:** hey who changed my name

 **wanda:** oh my god

 **sam:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **it's your boi:** WHOEVER DID THIS IS GETTING A SKYSCRAPER

 **nat:** (:

 **sam:** THIS IS SO FUNNY

 **wanda:** I love you omg

 **clit:** VERY MATURE

 **Steve:** Hans Hans Hans

 **it's your boi:** widow, you're my favorite

 **clit:** STOP

 **nat:** thanks stark

 **wanda:** I'm putting this on tumblr

 **clit:** NO DON'T

 **sam:** TAG ME I NEED FOLLOWERS

 **sam:** SHIT DON'T SHOW THIS PART I DON'T WANT THEM TO THINK I'M A THIRSTY BITCH

 **nat:** but you are a thirsty bitch

 **it's your boi:** BURN

 **sam:** takes one to know one :)

 **it's your boi:** shiiiit

 **nat:** well played

 **Steve:** Hannah

 

 

Nat's Trip to Vienna

 

 **nat:** it's really sunny here

 **nat:** you guys should come over

 **nat:** wanda, you said you wanted to get some tan, right?

 **wanda:** nat pls

 **wanda:** also, I saw pics of you on instagram

 **wanda:** you look great ;)

 **nat:** paps?

 **wanda:** if there's a pap whose username is 'blackwidowfanforever'

 **wanda:** then yes

 **sam:** how come whenever nat steps out, there's a hundred fans taking pics

 **sam:** but when I do it, there's no one around???

 **wanda:** sam, you couldn't pull off a black dress like nat if it killed you

 **sam:** okay true BUT

 

 

 

Bucharest

 

 **nat:** steve

 **Steve:** dint

 **nat:** steve.

 **Steve:** font

 **nat:** no, you don't

 **Steve:** don:5

 **nat:** STEVE

 **sam:** don't bother

 **sam:** it's steve and bucky we're talking about

 **sam** : gtg save bucky bye

 **wanda** : you should save me instead

 **wanda:** from vis

 **wanda:** he burned the stove again

 **wanda:** there's so much smoke here

 **Vis Khalifa:** Wanda, I did no such thing.

 **wanda:** holy shit since when are you in this chat

 **wanda:** tony added you just to give you that name DIDN'T HE

 **Vis Khalifa:** Wanda, are you smoking marijuana again?

 **Vis Khalifa:** Is that the source of the smoke?

 **wanda:** IT RELAXES ME

 **Visa card:** Wanda, that is unhealthy.

 **Visa card:** Who changed my name?

 **wanda:** LMAO

 **wanda:** NAT IS THIS YOU

 **nat:** (:

 **it's your boi:** NAT WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR TEXTING

 **it's your boi:** omg thats a good one

 **nat:** we're literally sitting around, waiting for orders from general rash

 **sam:** :'D

 **sam:** omg hot guy twelve o'clock

 **sam:** WAIT HE'S FIGHTING BUCKY

 **sam:** damn son

 **sam:** dem moves

 **nat:** are you texting and flying?

 **nat:** smh

 **sam:** LISTEN

 

The Arrest of Sam, Steve, Bucky and T'Challa

**sam:** the hot guy is literally two feet away from me eeek

 **it's your boi:** how are you still texting

 **it's your boi:** don't they take away ur phone when they arrest you????

 **nat:** get it, sam

 **sam:** I JUST RUINED EVERYTHING

 **it's your boi:** just sign the accords and it'll be fine

 **sam:** HE PROBABLY THINKS I'M A LOSER

 **it's your boi:** I've always thought you were a loser don't worry

 **nat:** what?

 **sam:** THIS IS WHY I DON'T DO DATING

 **sam:** I'M BETTER OFF AS A WINGMAN

 **sam:** hah get it

 **it's your boi:** you're not talking about the arrest are you

 **sam:** I'm going into CARDIAC ARREST just by being near the hot guy

 **nat:** wait

 **nat:** didn't you get arrested with king t'challa

 **sam:** KING??????????

 **sam:** HE'S A KING

 **sam:** OH MY GID THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT

 **sam:** I JUST ASKED A KING IF HE LIKES CATS WTF IS WRONG WITH ME

 **nat:** oh my god

 **nat:** how do you NOT know how king t'challa looks like?

 **sam:** I DON'T FOLLOW THAT KIND OF STUFF

 **wanda:** am I that high or is this really happening

 **wanda:** he was on top 100 hottest men in the world like five times

 **sam:** I WONDER WHY

 **sam:** I SHOULD BE ON MY KNEES BOWING TO THIS GUY

 **sam:** heh on my knees ;)

 **nat:** I think I have his phone number

 **sam:** WHY DO YOU HAVE HIS PHONE NUMBER

 **sam:** NAT I KNOW SHARING IS CARING BUT I SAW HIM FIRST

 **nat:** you really didn't

 **nat:** but chill, you can have your man

 **sam:** MHM THAT'S RIGHT

_Nat added T'Challa_

**sam:** oh my god you didn't

 **T'Challa:** Why was I added?

 **sam:** hello

 **sam:** do you actually like cats?

 **sam:** cuz I know I do ;) ;)

 **nat:** what have I done

 

Bucky's Questioning

**sam:** Your Highness, are you online?

 **wanda:** I think this is the first time I've witnessed sam write such a gramatically correct sentence

 **sam:** shut up wanda

 **nat:** aren't you watching bucky's interrogation?

 **sam:** it's boring

 **sam:** ANYWAYS

 **sam:** King, you there?

 **nat:** now's not the time, sam

 **sam:** love doesn't have a watch

 **sam:** see, even the lights dimmed at the mention of love

 **sam:** OH SHIT

 

Warehouse or whatever

**sam:** LMAO GUYS STEVE USED TO WEAR NEWSPAPERS IN HIS SHOES WHAT A LOSER

 **sam:** but anyway

_Sam sent a photo_

**sam:** when you miss bae

 **nat:** he has literally never said a word to you

 **nat:** and that's the worst crying face ever

 **nat:** no matter how fake it is

 **nat:** anyways where you at?

 **sam:** NICE TRY

 **sam:** but steve and bucky are eye fucking and it reminded me of the king and I got sad

 **sam:** shit is he still in this chat

 **T'Challa:** I am

 **wanda:** LMAOOO

 **sam:** I have to go

 **wanda:** nooo keep me company

 **wanda:** vis is cheating in chess

 **Windows VISta:** I am not.

 **wanda:** sounds like something a cheater would say

 **wanda:** OMG THE NAME

 **wanda:** NAT MARRY ME

 **nat:** sign the accords and I'll sign a marriage certificate

 **wanda:** fam

 **it's your boi:** great deal nat

 **it's your boi:** STEVE I'LL MARRY YOU IF YOU SIGN THE ACCORDS

 **it's your boi:** I KNOW YOU WANT ME STEVE

 **Bucky:** no.

 **sam:** how are you texting WE SEARCHED YOU

 **sam:** WE FOUND NOTHING

 **Bucky:** steve searched me

 **sam:** YEAH

 **sam** : BC I KNEW HE'D BE THOROUGH

 **sam:** ESPECIALLY WITH YOU

s **am:** okay I'm curious

 **sam:** where did you have your phone stashed

 **Bucky:** my underwear

 **sam:** ew

 **wanda:** steve probably thought bucky was just happy to see him so he didn't search his underwear ;)

 **sam:** OMG WANDA

 **Bucky:** I was

 **sam:** What

 **wanda:** HWAT

 **Bucky:** the phone was in the back, not the front

 **sam:** i s2g I'll sign the accords if it means never hearing this man speak again

 **it's your boi:** DEAL

 **sam:** wait, when was bucky even added to this chat?

 

Before Anyone Recruited Anyone

 

 **sam:** dibs on clint

 **it's your boi:** FUCJ

 **it's your boi:** fine DIBS ON THOR

 **sam:** lmao good luck with that

 **clit:** what's happening?

 **clit:** we assembling for paintball again?

 **it's your boi:** do you not watch tv????

 **clit:** not really why

 **it's your boi:** turn it on

 **clit:** what the hell

 **it's your boi:** RIGHT

 **clit:** this is why I retired

 **clit:** I knew this would happen

 **clit:** damn government

 **it's your boi:** wait

 **it's your boi:** whose side are on?

 **clit:** not the government's for sure

 **it's your boi:** GODDAMMIT

 **it's your boi:** YOU KNOW WHAT

 **it's your boi:** WE DON'T NEED YOU

 **it's your boi:** GRANDPA

 **it's your boi:** WAIT HOW DOES THIS EVEN AFFECT YOU

 **it's your boi:** IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR PENSION IS GOING TO SUFFER FROM THIS

 **it's your boi:** oh so you're just going to ignore me now

 **it's your boi:** RUDE

 **nat:** I'll pay attention to you so you don't wither and die, don't worry

 **it's your boi:** A TRUE FRIEND <3

 **nat:** let's not

 

 

After Clint Picks Up Wanda

**wanda:** sorry tony

 **it's your boi:** what why

 **it's your boi:** just sign the accords and we're good kiddo

 **wanda:** it's not that

 **wanda:** I may have ruined the floor in the compound

 **it's your boi:** YOU WHAT

 **wanda:** technically it was vision

 **Mona VISa:** Wanda, you sent me to the ground.

 **Mona VISa:** I had no control.

 **it's your boi:** THOSE WERE MARBLE FLOORS

 **wanda:** I'M SORRY

 **wanda:** actually I'm not lmao

 **wanda:** but anyway clint says hi

 **it's your boi:** wait what's happening

 **Mona Visa:** Wanda escaped with Clint.

 **it's your boi:** ffs

 **it's your boi:** any good news??

_Wanda added Scott_

Desperate Recruiting Begins

_it's your boi added Jane_

**it's your boi:** hi!

 **Jane:** why

 **it's your boi:** we need you to call your bf for us

 **it's your boi:** thor, that is

 **it's your boi:** unless you have someone else???

 **it's your boi:** hello???

 **it's your boi:** nat pay attention to me

 **nat:** shut up I'm recruiting too

 **it's your boi:** OH THANK GOD

 **nat:** T'Challa is on our side

 **it's your boi:** YEET

 **nat:** technically

 **it's your boi:** what do you mean

 **nat:** he's just after barnes

 **it's your boi:** tbh I'm kinda scared of him so yeah leave him to t'challa

 **sam:** feel free to tell us your strategy

 **it's your boi:** SHIT

 **it's your boi:** I THOUGHT THIS WAS OUR OTHER CHAT

 **nat:** you named them both 'team slay'

 **it's your boi:** SHUT UP

 **Jane:** please do

 **Jane:** I'm literally in the middle of receiving a noble prize

 **sam:** yooo congrats

 **wanda:** KILL IT

 **nat:** nice

 **it's your boi:** woooohooooo

 **it's your boi:** what for tho

 **Jane:** for being a bad bitch

_Jane left the chat_

**wanda:** wow

 **wanda:** I think I'm in love

 **it's your boi:** same

 **it's your boi:** NO WAIT SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO LEAVE

 **it's your boi:** FUCK

 

 

Desperate Recruiting Intesifies

_it's your boi added Betty_

**Betty:** what.

 **it's your boi:** we need a favor

 **Betty:** I don't know where he is

 **it's your boi:** dang

 **it's your boi:** know any other superheroes??

 **it's your boi:** except yourself ayyy

_Betty left the chat_

**sam:** HAH

 **it's your boi:** you shut up

 

 

And More Recruiting

_it's your boi added Peter_

**it's your boi:** no wait fuck wrong chat again

_it's your boi removed Peter_

 

Recruiting...

_sam added Betty_

**Betty:** now what

 **sam:** can you tell your dad to fuck off

 **Betty:** I already have

 **sam:** really?

 **Betty:** a million times

 **Betty:** it doesn't work

 **sam:** well shit

 **Betty:** yeah

_Betty left the chat_

 

Before Meeting with Clint, Wanda and Scott

**sam:** yall steve got us such a dumb car

 **sam:** it really fits him tho

 **sam:** it's old

 **it's your boi:** PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN

 **sam:** mmm bitch you thought

 

 

Team Cap Suiting Up for the Fight

**scott:** mom look I'm in a group chat with the avengers omg!!

 **sam:** does this mean you're done suiting up?

 **sam:** come on, you're the only one we're waiting for

 **sam:** actually nvm I think bucky and I accidentally switched vests just a sec

 **wanda:** who has my gloves?

 **clit:** I KNEW I took my black gloves with me, not the red ones

 **clit:** but yeah i got them sorry

 **clit:** they fit me well, how big are your hands?

 **sam:** maybe yours are just small

 **clit:** FIGHT ME

 **wanda:** let's not have a civil war WITHIN a civil war

 **sam:** damn wanda you make it sound so dramatic

 **sam:** I thought that was the role of that cape of yours

 **wanda:** IT'S A COAT

 **scott:** can you all hurry, cap and the metal arm guy are looking at each other in a way that makes me feel like a third wheel

 **sam:** I feel you

 **sam:** you should join our bet

 **scott:** what bet?

 **wanda:** let's go there's no time for this now

 

 

Tony and Steve Talk at the Airport

**sam:** while we're waiting for this nuptial fight to end

 **sam:** let's tell scott about the bet

 **sam:** I got twenty bucks on next july

 **clit:** ten bucks on the next time they're alone for longer than a minute and a half

 **wanda:** ten bucks on christmas day

 **sam:** wait aren't you jewish

 **wanda:** money doesn't have a religion sam

 **clit:** sjw wanda everyone

 **wanda:** shut up

 **sam:** anyway

 **sam:** if I remember correctly

 **sam:** nat has twenty bucks on never

 **sam:** well actually, she thinks they've been doing it already behind our backs but whatever

 **sam:** nat and her delusions

 **sam:** no wonder she's on the other side

 **clit:** don't be mean, we all still might be home for dinner

 **sam:** I WISH

 **sam:** there's a marathon of all stephen king's  movies that starts at eight

 **sam:** I HAVE to watch it

 **sam:** anyhoooow

 **sam:** tony has three grand (yup!) on valentine's day lmao

 **sam:** rhodey has twenty bucks on the day after valentine's day idk what he's playing at

 **sam:** wbu tic tac

 **scott:** uh

 **scott:** I don't understand what you just told me

 **sam:** lordddd

 **sam:** we're betting on when cap and bucky will get together

 **scott:** oh!

 **scott:** five bucks on my birthday

 **scott:** love's in the air on my birthdays trust me

 **sam:** god you're worse than I thought

 

 

 

The Airport Fight

**wanda:** aight let's go

 **wanda:** this better be worth it

 **wanda:** I put a bra on and all for this

 **it's your boi:** TMI

 **wanda:** I literally just said the word bra

 **wanda:** how fragile are you???

 **sam:** TEST IT WANDA

 **sam:** also who's the red power ranger

 **clit:** tony??

 **sam:** no the other one

 **clit:** wanda?

 **sam:** no the other OTHER one

 **wanda:** how am I a power ranger clint???

 **clit:** you're wearing red idk

 **clit:** but yeah I don't know sam

 **clit:** guys remember I still love yall and you're all invited to my place after this

 **clit:** laura's making meatloaf and all

 **nat:** sap

 **clit:** I'm literally going to fight you

 **nat:** lucky me

_it's your boi added Rhodey_

**Rhodey:**?

 **Rhodey:** we're fighting why are you texting

 **it's your boi:** I noticed you weren't here so I had to add you

 **Rhodey:** in the middle of a fight?

 **it's your boi:** yea

 **it's your boi:** also watch out on your right

 **scott:** I'M SO SORRY I THOUGHT IT WAS A WATER TRUCK I SWEAR I'M SORRY

 **sam:** WHO'S THE KID GODDAMMIT

 **sam:** honestly cap

 **sam:** if bucky wasn't so godamn special to you, he'd be dead

 **sam:** HE'S SO ANNOYING

 **sam:** omg wanda why did you throw t'challa so hard wtf

 **wanda:** he was going to kill bucky???

 **sam:** yeah and??

 **it's your boi:** hey anyone up for schwarma after this?

 **clint:** but laura's making meatloaf

 **it's your boi:** can you text her and tell her to make schwarma

 **it's your boi:** I'm like really craving it rn

 

Prison

**sam:** well this sucks

 **it's your boi:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **it's your boi:** HOW

 **it's your boi:** IS IT A SUPER POWER ???

 **it's your boi:** I'm coming to you rn

 **it's your boi:** I need to know how you're TEXTING while in PRISON

 **clit:** can someone tell laura I won't make it home by six

 **nat:** pretty sure this is the least of your problems

 **nat:** but I'll let her know

 **clit:** thanks

 **clit:** tell her I'll be home by eight

  **nat:** clint they won't let you out just bc you have kids

 **clit:** EXCUSE ME

 **clit:** but once they see a pic of lil pietro, they'll melt

 **wanda:** I agree

 **it's your boi:**????????

 **it's your boi:** aren't you in a straight jacket wtf

 **wanda:** thanks for that DUMBASS

 **wanda:** but yeah it doesn't work on a gay like me

 **clit:** tell him!

 **it's your boi:** also nat where did you go

 **it's your boi:** I'm kinda lonely

 **clit:** yeah that's what happens when you lock up all your friends

 **nat:** I'm not locked up

 **nat:** visiting laura

 **nat:** she's pissed at you, clint

 **nat:** you didn't take the trash out before you left

 **clit:** I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING

 **it's your boi:** no wonder you're a criminal

 **clit:** FIGHT ME

 **nat:** he did

 **nat:** you lost

 **clit:** we didn't LOSE

 **clit:** we made a small sacrifice

 **clit:** THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO FOR EACH OTHER

 **clit:** not that you would know

 **it's your boi:** WELL THEN YOU COULD SACRIFICE A BIT OF YOUR PRIDE AND SIGN THE ACCORDS

 **clit:** go suck a dick, stark

 **it's your boi:** why do you think I'm visiting you in prison ;)

 **clit:** I'd be flattered if you didn't put me in a supermax prison

 **it's your boi:** IT WASN'T ME

 **it's your boi:** nat, tell them

 **nat:** clint, laura is an excellent kisser

 **clit:** WHAT

 

 

During Zemo's Speech

 

 **it's your boi:** cap he's gay for you

 **nat:** bucky or?

 **it's your boi:** the zemo guy

 **it's your boi:** but bucky too

 **it's your boi:** I just wish this guy finished his dramatic villain speech so I can quit being the third wheel and go home

 **it's your boi:** god I miss Pepper

 

After Zemo's Speech

 

_it's your boi removed Steve_

**nat:**????

 **nat:** tbh he couldn't spell for shit, it's better this way

 

 

 

After The Final Fight

 

 **it's your boi:** yo can someone pick me up

 **it's your boi:** I'm in siberia with no ride home

 **nat:** I'd get you, but the only vehicle that works on this farm is a tractor

 **nat:** so it might take a while

 

 

After Tony Arrives to the Compound

 

_it's your boi added Steve_

**it's your boi:** just so you don't have to send me letters

 **sam:** aw come on

 **nat:** and the suffering continues

 **clit:** yall owe me ten bucks

 **it's your boi:** why

 **clit:** I WON THE BET

 **it's your boi:** no you didn't

 **it's your boi:** the yankees lost

 **clit:** NOT THAT BET

 **clit:** the stevebucky one

 **nat:** LIES

 **sam:** he's not lying :((

 **nat:** where are you, I need to see this myself

 **sam:** we're like deep in africa

 **sam:** T'Challa is taking care of us ;)

 **T'Challa:** that's King T'Challa to you

 **sam:** oh christ

 **sam:** NEW PHONE WHO DIS

 **it's your boi:** I just lost ten bucks to legolas

 **Rhodey:** more like cupid

 **Rhodey:** with the arrow and love predictions

 **tony stank:** well aren't you a romantic

 **tony stank:** wait

 **tony stank:** WHO DID THIS

 **wanda:** is this nat's latest victim?

 **nat:** not me, but I like it

 **Rhodey:** thanks

 **tony stank:** RHODEY

 **tony stank:** I TRUSTED YOU

 **sam:** HAHAHAHHAHA

 **clit:** let's start another bet

 **sam:** i s2g you're not winning this one

 **clit:** you'll want me to, trust me

 **sam:**????

 **clit:** ten bucks sam and t'challa get together next time they're alone for longer than a minute and a half

 **sam:** OMG

 **wanda:** twenty bucks on next Friday

 **wanda:** I hear T'Challa's schedule is clear then ;)

 **T'Challa:** How do you know that?

 **sam:** am I hallucinating

 **nat:** twenty bucks they're already together and just trolling our asses

 **tony stank:** FIVE GRAND ON VALENTINE'S DAY

 **Rhodey:** twenty bucks on

 **Rhodey:** I don't know

 **Rhodey:** any suggestions?

 **T'Challa:** How about five minutes from now?

 **sam:** oh my godddd

 **sam:** WANDA IS THIS YOU

 **sam:** AM I IN SOME SORT OF A DREAM

 **wanda:** I can assure you it's not me

 **clit:** goddammit I lost

 **clit:** I didn't even get to enjoy my previous win

 **nat:** don't be so greedy

 **tony stank:** so many couples all of a sudden

 **tony stank:** makes you think

 **nat:** oh for fuck's sake

_nat added Pepper_

**nat:** MAKE UP

 **nat:** NOW

**Author's Note:**

> I repeat, I wrote this at 2am


End file.
